Headline: Vatican Shuts Down Alleged Visions of the Virgin Mary in Trevignano Romano
The Vatican has officially weighed in on an ongoing spiritual soap opera that has been captivating a small Italian town, and it turns out the Church is not buying what one self-proclaimed mystic has been selling. In a statement delivered with the papal equivalent of a raised eyebrow, a Vatican-appointed commission has declared that the reported apparitions of the Virgin Mary in Trevignano Romano, a picturesque town just outside of Rome, are, in ecclesiastical terms, “not supernatural.” Which in more secular terms roughly translates to “everyone can go home now.”
At the center of this holy commotion is Gisella Cardia, an Italian woman who claimed that the Virgin Mary had been dropping in regularly for private chats and to weep tears of blood from a statue that, rather awkwardly, was bought off the internet. Cardia, a former businesswoman who once faced fraud charges, maintained that the visits began after a trip to Medjugorje and that the Blessed Virgin supplied her with monthly messages that somehow managed to contain just enough doom to keep the audience coming back for more.
The faithful flocked, quite literally, to her property once a month to witness the alleged supernatural shows, while skeptics gently raised an eyebrow and scientists quietly reminded everyone that statues bought online tend not to cry on their own.
After months of investigation involving interviews, theological reviews and presumably a large pot of espresso, the Diocese of Civita Castellana dropped the celestial curtain on the matter. In a statement generously long and diplomatically composed, they announced that the phenomenon is to be considered “non-supernatural,” a verdict which carries all the spiritual heft of an Italian nod followed by a subtle “basta.”
“The Church has examined the facts with great caution and discernment,” said Bishop Marco Salvi, “and for the protection of the faithful, the conclusion is that the events have no supernatural origin.”
Though the ruling does not prevent private devotion, the Church has essentially advised the faithful to redirect their energies elsewhere, possibly toward more officially sanctioned forms of divine inspiration such as prayer, charity, or rereading the actual Bible.
Cardia, unsurprisingly, is standing by her visions, and her supporters are not exactly closing shop. Devotional gatherings are likely to continue in one form or another because if history tells us anything, it is that people are remarkably loyal to a vision once it shows up crying blood in their backyard.
For now, the Vatican has firmly closed the case on the Trevignano visions, gently suggesting that while heaven may indeed speak, it probably does not do so through secondhand statuary with dubious backstories.
Sometimes even divine mysteries need a receipt.