In a gripping sequel to the internet’s favorite ongoing soap opera, TikTok CEO Shou Zi Chew once again found himself in Washington, seated beneath the glowering chandeliers of Congress, patiently explaining to lawmakers that TikTok is not, in fact, a Chinese Trojan horse designed to single-handedly bring down American democracy through synchronised dance trends and pet videos.
Chew testified before the Senate Judiciary Committee on Wednesday, where he attempted, with admirable calm, to dispel concerns that TikTok is somehow funneling user data directly into the eager arms of the Chinese Communist Party. Senator Dick Durbin, chair of the committee, opened proceedings with the kind of gravitas usually reserved for nuclear negotiations, stating that Americans have “a right to be safe from Big Tech and foreign adversaries.” Because nothing says clear and present danger quite like lip-syncing teenagers with ring lights.
This marks the latest episode in an extended saga involving the US government’s concerns over TikTok’s ownership by Chinese company ByteDance. Lawmakers remain about as reassured as a cat at bath time, voicing fears that the app could be used to amplify propaganda and collect user data, which they seem to suspect could end up whispered over Peking duck in some Beijing boardroom.
Chew denied these allegations, noting that TikTok is swirling billions of dollars into something called Project Texas, a security initiative that ostensibly places American user data in the comforting hands of Oracle servers in the United States. Whether this effort is effective or merely a particularly elaborate PowerPoint slide remains, for now, a point of contention among lawmakers who have developed a Pavlovian response to the word “algorithm.”
While Chew did his best to maintain the expression of a man simultaneously soothing both Congress and a treadmill full of caffeinated conspiracy theories, senators remained openly skeptical, interrupting him with the casual enthusiasm of relatives discussing politics at Thanksgiving.
Despite the grilling, no new legislation was passed, banned or proposed outright, which may have come as a disappointment to those hoping for TikTok to be traded in on TikTok’s successor, possibly called TikNot.
“It’s clear that tech companies, including TikTok, need to be held accountable,” said Senator Durbin, in a tone that suggested he would very much like to hold them accountable with fire and possibly pitchforks.
But while Congress deliberates, TikTok remains operational, still home to viral monkey videos, hyper-ambitious 30-second recipes and the occasional 12-part investigative deep dive conducted entirely in whispers.
For now, American teens can continue to perfect their dance routines in peace, though perhaps with a slightly heightened sense of international espionage paranoia.
Because nothing says Cold War sequel quite like a filter that gives you puppy ears.