Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer has pledged that anyone arriving in the UK on a small boat will be detained and sent back, although officials admit they are still trying to figure out the small detail of “sent back where exactly.” The plan, which Starmer announced on X while posing next to a Border Force mug, comes as Channel crossings hit record highs and public patience sinks lower than the dinghies trying to reach Dover.
Under the new scheme, migrants arriving in Britain will be detained and then returned to France, while France will send an equal number of asylum seekers back to Britain, creating what experts are calling “the world’s first human yo-yo exchange program.” Critics say the scheme makes no sense, but ministers insist it is working because the paperwork alone now requires 11 new civil servants and three staplers.
Starmer’s bold promise comes just as the government won a court battle to keep asylum seekers in the Bell Hotel in Epping. The hotel currently houses 130 migrants, making it the most controversial Premier Inn knockoff in Essex. Protesters outside the hotel have been described as “small scale,” though they have managed to wave Union Jacks vigorously enough to cause mild traffic delays.
We’re thinking of using cruise ships for accommodation so we can sneakily take them back.
Border Force Advisor
Former Labour grandee Lord Falconer has weighed in, warning his party that if Starmer cannot close asylum hotels or stop the Channel crossings, voters will turn to Nigel Farage’s Reform Party, which does not have the burden of being practical or knowing how boats work. Polls already show Reform at 35 percent, mostly thanks to Farage’s campaign slogan “What if we just shouted louder.”
Meanwhile, Starmer has promised that hotels housing asylum seekers will be closed by the next general election, although insiders admit that with 29,003 people already crossing this year, the government may need to expand its hotel strategy to include Travelodges, Holiday Inns, and possibly Center Parcs. One anonymous official described the plan as “basically like musical chairs but with real human beings and only one chair left when the music stops.”
What if we just shouted louder
Nigel Farage
When asked to explain his policy in plain English, Starmer told reporters: “We will not reward illegal entry. If you come here unlawfully, you will be detained and sent back.” When asked what would happen if France refused to take them back, he paused, smiled, and replied: “Then we will send them back again.”
