In a breakthrough that surprises literally no one familiar with the internet, scientists have successfully trained rats to play the seminal 1993 video game “Doom,” proving once and for all that laboratory boredom may be a more powerful force than gravity.
The experiment, conducted by Viktor Tóth, a neuroscience researcher who apparently looked at a rat and thought “Yes, that’s a gamer,” involved placing rodents on a custom-made treadmill designed to navigate the digital hellscape of demon-infested Mars. The rodents, named Romero, Carmack and Tom (no points for guessing which one had the highest kill count), used their tiny paws and even tinier attention spans to maneuver through Doom’s pixelated corridors while being rewarded with sugary water for forward motion and successful turns. Presumably, the rats were also docked points for friendly fire, although the ethics board has yet to confirm this.
The rats were not trained to shoot, because, as anyone familiar with rodents knows, their trigger discipline is abysmal. The shooting was automated so the rats could focus on the critical gamer task of moving forward very quickly while looking mildly confused. Tóth explained that the work aims to explore how a living brain interacts with complex environments, rather than attempting to build a rodent esports league, although the latter would very likely fetch more grant money these days.
The entire setup involved a VR treadmill cobbled together with retro eyewear and some engineering wizardry that would make MacGyver sigh in admiration. The Doom game was modified to render only one corridor at a time, presumably to account for the lack of WASD mastery among ratkind. Performance ratings were not disclosed in detail, but scientists noted that one rat learned to navigate by hugging the left wall, which is a strategy also known to be employed by one in three actual Doom players.
While some critics have raised ethical concerns about whether teaching rats to run through digital carnage for sugar is really the best use of anyone’s time, researchers maintain the study provides insights into brain function, learning behavior and perhaps inadvertently into the lengths bored scientists will go to avoid writing their grant reports.
The rats, for their part, have declined all interview requests and are reportedly holding out for more favorable streaming contracts.
If the rats start speedrunning Doom 2, we may want to start reading the fine print in the Geneva Convention.