In a revelation that may disappoint your neighbor who insists aliens regularly reorganize his garden furniture, NASA Administrator Bill Nelson has confirmed that, as of now, no extraterrestrial beings have RSVPed to humanity’s existence. Speaking at an event hosted by the Washington Post, Nelson addressed the alphabet soup of flying objects that have caused a stir in recent years, known officially as UAPs or Unidentified Anomalous Phenomena, which are either very advanced foreign drones, bizarre weather, experimental tech or, as some hope, guests from far beyond our solar system dropping by unannounced.
“We don’t know what these UAPs are,” Nelson admitted, which is a NASA-approved way of saying “we are stumped, but politely so.” He confirmed NASA is taking a scientific approach to the issue, having appointed a new director of UAP research and launched a website to catalog sightings, presumably in the hope of finally getting answers or at least preventing conspiracy theorists from taking over every internet comment section ever.
Despite the lack of concrete evidence for alien visitation, Nelson appeared to leave the door slightly ajar for interstellar pen pals, saying, “If I were to tell you that we have communication with intelligent life outside this planet, you would know it. You’d see it on your TV.” A comforting thought, assuming you’re tuned in and not watching a reality dating show instead.
NASA remains committed to investigating the weird stuff in the sky and is encouraging pilots and the public alike to report anything unusual, although preferably with better footage than shakily filmed dots. There is also an open invitation for any aliens who may be lurking out there to call anytime, though good luck getting through NASA’s voicemail menu.
Until then, the Universe remains eerily quiet and our skies suspiciously mysterious, with only weather balloons, bird flocks and overactive imaginations to keep us company.
Aliens, if you’re reading this, the line is open and Earth has snacks.