In a bold move to remind Londoners that peace and quiet are luxuries, the Royal Parks have brought back their infamous “talking benches” — a series of loquacious seats that deliver audio reflections from staff, volunteers and the occasional celebrity, presumably for those who thought birdsong just wasn’t gritty enough.
The initiative, originally launched in 2022 to mark the 70th year of Queen Elizabeth II’s reign, is now making a comeback in Green Park and St James’s Park, where 13 benches have been outfitted with a button that, when pressed, triggers a short message from someone who either works at the Royal Parks or once admired a goose from afar. The idea, according to those responsible, is to “highlight the different voices and people who make the Royal Parks what they are,” which suggests there is no limit to what you can anthropomorphise when armed with public funding and a dream.
This time around, the benches include monologues from an mallard-obsessed birdwatcher, a composting specialist who really digs dirt, and a volunteer who waxes poetic about her early morning litter-picking route like it were a sunrise stroll through the Louvre. One of the benches even features a voice actor who claims to be “the voice of the park,” which is certainly ambitious for a man presumably out-ranked by every nearby squirrel.
According to Andrew Scattergood, Chief Executive of The Royal Parks charity and owner of perhaps the most on-brand name in British bureaucracy, “The talking benches illuminate the stories of the many people who help support and manage these parks across London.” Whether the public wants to be illuminated while munching a Pret sandwich in sullen silence remains unclear.
The talking benches are open to visitors from now until July 14, giving everyone ample time to accidentally press a button while looking for a place to cry discreetly into their falafel wrap.
Because if there is one thing Londoners truly adore, it is a bench that talks back.