In yet another development that suggests Twitter may now just be a performance art exhibit loosely disguised as a social media platform, Elon Musk has once again redefined the nature of his acquisition. This time he is clarifying that Twitter is not, in fact, a traditional company but “a collective consciousness” or possibly a “moderately spontaneous town square with a spreadsheet problem.”
This announcement came, as always, via a tweet that began ordinarily enough before swerving violently into philosophical oncoming traffic. The billionaire entrepreneur, whose current titles may or may not include CEO of Tesla, Chief Meme Officer of the Galaxy, and Knight of the Double-Take, explained that Twitter was never intended to be a company in the conventional sense but rather a kind of digital campfire where the world’s intelligentsia and bots gather for spontaneous arguments and occasionally, for a wholesome picture of someone’s breakfast.
The statement follows months of what can generously be called “experimental management techniques” involving layoffs conducted with the subtlety of a cannonball through a window and product rollouts that sometimes made it out of the beta phase but often did not make it out of the room. Meanwhile, Musk continues his mission to mold Twitter into something less like a business and more like a sci-fi novella he started writing during a long layover in Zurich.
“Twitter isn’t a company,” Musk tweeted, presumably after firing off an email demanding to know why the wifi on Mars is still subpar. “It is an organism. It is alive. Also, we’re going to start charging for vowels.”
The platform, recently renamed X in a rebrand that was bold, mysterious, and possibly inspired by the variable in his son’s name, has endured its fair share of tumult since Musk’s arrival. Critics have likened the transformation to watching someone retrofit a toaster into a spaceship using only duct tape and ambition. Internal morale, reportedly, remains somewhere between brittle and theoretical.
Still, Musk insists there is a grand vision. According to sources familiar with the matter and possibly with a flair for polite understatement, the goal is to turn X into “everything.” This would theoretically combine messaging, payments, news, video content, job applications, and whatever else Musk thinks of while brushing his teeth with a flamethrower. Analysts are divided on whether this is genius or a very expensive science fair project.
Twitter staff, or what remains of them, are said to be adapting bravely, like theatre actors performing Macbeth in the middle of a tornado. Investors, meanwhile, are taking turns nervously checking their portfolios and googling the phrase “existential corporate metamorphosis.”
So while Silicon Valley watches with a mix of terror, wonder, and mild indigestion, Musk continues to tweet and tweak, transforming Twitter from a bird-themed website into something closer to a living metaphor for a fever dream wrapped in code.
X marks the spot, but nobody’s quite sure which map we’re using.