In the annual retail ritual that makes people question the structural integrity of their front porches, Amazon has officially announced that Prime Day 2024 will take place on July 16 and 17. As in years past, the two-day event promises a hyperloop of discounted everything, from oddly specific kitchen gadgets you did not know existed to tech that will inevitably be outdated the moment you click “buy now.”
The company says this year’s extravaganza will feature exclusive deals for Prime members across the platform’s vast digital terrain, which includes the obligatory electronics, apparel, beauty products and more than a few items that spark existential questions about consumerism. Amazon is also promising early deals starting several weeks before the main event, just in case you like your spending sprees marinated in anticipation.
In a move meant to reward loyalty or perhaps punish restraint, Amazon’s press release noted Prime members will gain access to “invite-only deals” for especially popular items. This is expected to induce a charming level of online hysteria akin to musical chairs, only the chairs are discount air fryers and the music is Jeff Bezos whispering the word “bundles.”
Not wanting to miss out on the economic cyclone, major retailers like Target and Walmart typically schedule their own quasi-holidays around Prime Day. While corporate spokespeople prefer to call this “competition,” it rather resembles synchronized capitalistic panic.
Deals will be revealed closer to the big day, though insiders suggest Echo devices, Fire TVs and various Alexa-enabled things-you’ll-yell-at may take center stage, as Amazon likes nothing more than gently nudging every home into becoming a showroom for its voice-activated empire.
Of course, to participate, you will need an Amazon Prime membership, which currently costs $14.99 a month or $139 a year, not including the cost to your self-control or the increasingly teetering pile of unopened packages in the corner of your hallway.
Now might be a good time to warn your bank account that July is going to be loud.