In what must be the least cinematic wildlife showdown ever conceived, Florida has announced open season on green iguanas, a species that seems wholly unaware it is now being officially hunted by men in cargo shorts with questionable judgment. The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, apparently tired of iguanas treating urban landscaping like an all-you-can-eat buffet, has declared these cold-blooded invaders to be fair game year-round ― no permit, no paperwork, just pure Floridian enthusiasm and maybe a shovel.
The green iguana, not native to Florida but somehow incredibly at home there, has been accused of property damage, invasive behavior and enormous litters of tiny future nuisances. These lizards, which can grow over five feet in length and likely have a better Instagram presence than most people, have been wreaking slow-moving havoc across the state. From destabilizing sidewalks with their burrow escapades to munching through the foliage like overenthusiastic vegans at a buffet, their behavior is somewhere between endearing and destructive, depending on whether or not they are currently crawling through your soffits.
The state’s wildlife commission recommends humane euthanasia, which in Florida ranges from hiring a professional trapper to what we assume are gripping tales involving pool nets, garden tools and the kind of optimism only retirement can buy. One official noted that while green iguanas are not protected except by anti-animal cruelty laws, homeowners should still dispatch them with something approaching dignity and not, say, a golf cart or an air rifle disguised as pest control.
Meanwhile, the iguanas remain impressively indifferent. Their response to the escalating human campaign has primarily involved basking in the sun and occasionally blinking very slowly. If this is war, it appears to be being fought on an extremely relaxed schedule with an emphasis on leisurely sunbathing and strategic napping.
It seems the only real winners in this conflict are pest control companies and iguanas with decent cardio.