Lakewood Church, the spiritual megaplex in Houston most famous for housing both sermons and a former basketball arena, held a baptism service on Sunday that could be modestly described as splashy and more extravagantly compared to a waterpark’s opening ceremony. What began as an organized mass of faith-fueled dunkings reportedly descended into some degree of holy chaos, as over 4,000 attendees either participated in or witnessed what may have been the largest collective wardrobe contest in Lakewood’s history.
The event was held to mark National Baptism Day, which apparently now exists, and took place on Lakewood’s turf known to most as the Compaq Center, the one-time home of the Houston Rockets and current home of celebrity pastor Joel Osteen’s unwavering smile. The church claimed over 4,166 individuals took the plunge in what it branded “the largest baptism event in U.S. history,” though one imagines Guinness is currently curled up somewhere doing the math while wondering whether the water was at regulation temperature.
The logistics of immersing thousands of people involved 30 pools, not including the metaphorical one the organizers had to swim through to make this compliant with fire codes and basic physics. Videos posted online show rows of pools arranged like an efficient water-based assembly line, with volunteers ready to lower each new initiate into the water and help them back out before anyone could fully contemplate the theological implications of being bathed beside a jumbotron.
Joel Osteen, the church’s senior pastor and unofficial perpetual sunrise, presided over the event with the calm of a man who has never once doubted the power of logistics and enthusiastic volunteers. The mass baptism marked a significant shift from the church’s usual more intimate ceremonies which involve fewer umbrellas and less potential for synchronized swimming.
While critics might raise an eyebrow at the spectacle, Lakewood maintains that the event was a genuine expression of faith on a grand scale, executed with precision and sincerity, assuming a liberal definition of precision that accounts for people accidentally being dunked four times due to enthusiasm or poor queue management.
The power of God today is here, and we’re seeing thousands experience a brand new beginning, said Osteen. We are so thankful to be a part of such a monumental day in the Kingdom of God.
Whether this baptismal bonanza sets a new trend in large-scale sacraments or remains a one-off is unclear, though one suspects that many churches will now be eyeing local water parks with interest and perhaps a spreadsheet.
Because nothing says divine transformation quite like a line for the changing rooms and wet footprints leading to salvation.