France has ordered its hospitals to prepare for a possible European war by next spring, sparking both alarm and confusion in a country where most citizens thought the biggest emergency in 2026 would be a wine shortage. Documents leaked to satirical newspaper Le Canard Enchaîné show the health ministry warning of a “major engagement” that could see French hospitals flooded with wounded soldiers, foreign casualties, and probably a few confused British tourists who booked the wrong Ryanair flight.
The order states that civilian hospitals should be ready to care for military patients, meaning that French surgeons might soon be performing open-heart surgery while also being asked if they can fix tank injuries. One official admitted privately: “We have drills for mass casualties, but not for mass casualties plus NATO paperwork.”
We are on high alert, which means the tanks have petrol in them this time
German Ministry of Defence
Germany’s chief of defence, Carsten Breuer, added fuel to the fire by announcing that German forces will be “on alert” during Russia’s upcoming Zapad 2025 drills in Belarus. Breuer insisted he does not expect an attack but stressed they would remain vigilant, saying: “We don’t think Putin will use these exercises as cover to invade, but then again we also didn’t think he’d bring back shell suits in 2022, so you never know.”
NATO chief Mark Rutte issued an even darker warning, claiming Russia and China could coordinate to start World War Three. He said Xi Jinping would likely call Putin and say: “Hey, I’m invading Taiwan, keep the Europeans busy.” Analysts described this as “terrifying, if also strangely polite.” Russia hit back by saying Rutte had “gorged on too many Dutch mushrooms,” while threatening to send him to Siberia, which critics pointed out was not a particularly original comeback.
For now, NATO officials say the best way to deter an attack is to rearm at speed, boost defence budgets, and issue increasingly stern press releases that nobody reads. Meanwhile, ordinary Europeans are left to ponder the question: do they start stockpiling canned goods, or just hope Putin is too busy photoshopping himself shirtless to invade?
